


Of Fear and Pride

by Kestogram



Category: Black Sails
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-20
Packaged: 2018-10-20 08:17:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10658607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kestogram/pseuds/Kestogram
Summary: With the war in tatters and a treaty in place, Madi Scott must find a way to continue her mission to secure a better future for the maroon people and build their number. John Silver is ready and waiting to help her achieve her goals, if she'll let him. Can he be trusted to put the needs of the many above his desire to secure a safe future for himself and those he loves?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: We start off with the evolution of the Silver/Madi relationship through Silver's eyes. We'll get to the aftermath of the finale in chapter 2

From the moment that I first laid eyes on her, I have been scared.

First, it was fear for my life and the lives of the rest of the crew. It was immediately apparent that these people were prepared to torture and kill us one by one to gather the information that they wanted. It was equally obvious that once they knew all that there was to know about us and how we came upon their camp, they would execute the rest of us to ensure their safety.

I don't know what it was that I saw in her expression, but my instincts told me that she was our lifeline. There was something in the way that she returned my stare, and in her discomfort with the painful interrogation of my crewman that made me think that she could be our salvation.

There was more to it even then, but not having any experience in these things I cast it aside and told myself that I was simply intrigued by what had been achieved here. That one so young could carry herself with such assurance, could command such respect. When she had me brought to her quarters, and I was able to see and speak to her up close, the fear intensified. She was intelligent, and forceful, and would under no circumstances fall prey to the wit and charm that I was accustomed to using as currency. For want of another tactic, I felt compelled to answer her questions as honestly as I could. Her penetrating stare was designed to weed out falsehoods, and I was powerless before it.

In the days that followed, I took every opportunity to watch her as she went about the camp. When her father, the Maroon King returned gravely injured and it was revealed that he was our own Mr Scott, I watched her make the daily visit to his sick bed. Each time she emerged from his room her grief was apparent. She would take a few moments to compose herself, preparing to hide her worry from everyone that she encountered. It was quite something to see, and in those short moments of vulnerability that she took such pains to hide I felt something give way deep in my abdomen. I wanted to speak to her again.

Later, once our unlikely alliance was assured the fear took on a new light. As Quartermaster I was deemed to be the best person to stay behind on the Island to serve as liaison with the Maroon leaders, while Flint, Billy and the rest of the crew returned to Nassau to set our plans in motion. I had been downplaying the pain of my leg for many days, but the wound would no longer be ignored. I could not stand to strap the boot on my stump which was inflamed and bleeding. This meant that I literally could not stand, and the accompanying fever rendered me unable to do anything but sit and pray that it would soon pass. My fear then was that I would appear weak to the Maroon princess and her people. How was I to act as the representative of the Pirate faction if I was reduced to shivering on a bench, incapable of walking? What would she think of me?

She swept towards me in a blaze of righteous indignation that swiftly dissipated when she saw my sorry state. She wasn't phased by my protestations that I should be left to suffer unaided. Instead, she reasoned with me. I would learn later that this was her greatest strength. Using her wisdom to secure my agreement. In that moment, if she had told me that taking the remainder of my leg would be for the best I may well have agreed to it. I swallowed my pride, and she rewarded me by holding my hand throughout the ordeal, a gesture that made me feel that she was sharing her considerable strength with me.

It was while recovering in her home that I finally learned her name. I had been trying to discern it while we were being held captive, but her position in the community meant that with the exception of her mother, she was referred to simply as "ma'am" by everyone, a practice that both Flint and I adopted once we joined them as partners. There hadn't been an appropriate opportunity to ask her, and there was no way that I would dare to ask the queen. My curiousity was finally satisfied when Kofi, her closest and most trusted companion, helped to transport me from the main camp to her quarters.

Kofi had sympathy in his eyes as he tried to lay me and my guest cot down without jarring my bandaged leg. However, he hesitated when it came time to leave.

"Do you need anything else Miss Madi?"

She smiled and shook her head, thanking him for his help. When he looked over at me again, she laughed. "What exactly do you think that he might do to me Kofi? Now go, we must let him rest."

Madi. It was perfect. She was perfect.

I don't know why I told her so much about Flint and my worry about being conscripted to his cause. Maybe it was because I was relieved to be able to share the thoughts that had been tormenting me. The only two people that I had been able to talk to up to now were Billy and Flint. I couldn't talk to Flint about this for obvious reasons, and Billy was far too entrenched in his hatred of our Captain to be able to have a rational discussion about him. There was another reason though. I just couldn't help talking in her presence. I wanted to us to be allies in this, over and above the alliance of the maroons and the pirates. She was right when she said that I needed a tether, a lifeline, and I wanted it to be her.

That experience seemed to break down a barrier between us. I went from calling her "Ma'am" to calling her "Miss Madi" in front of her men, and simply "Madi" when we were alone.

Despite the seriousness of the endeavour at hand, we found time on our journey to Nassau to continue our talks. I learned everything I could about her. Listened as she spoke of her early childhood in the Guthrie household. What it was like to feel like a sister to Eleanor, while knowing that her true purpose in the household was to serve her. She talked of the night when she and her mother were spirited away to live in a forest that had been cleared to make way for an intricate network of dwellings, communal work and leisure spaces, farmland and even a school. I was enraptured by the pride in her eyes when she described how she looked up to her father, and admired the perfect partnership that existed between her parents.

When the inevitable questions about my background came, I hesitated. My immediate instinct was to spin her the same tale that I told everyone about a home for boys in East London. I didn't want to tell her tall tales and embellished stories though. For the first time in my memory, I had a connection with someone who I had never lied to. I wanted to try honesty.

"I have a... complicated past. To be honest, I don't like to think of it, let alone speak of it."

I looked at her closely, trying to gauge her reaction. She returned my gaze.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to hide things from you when you have been so open with me. I just. I can't"

She smiled and laid her hand on mine.

"There are many people in this camp that choose not to speak about their pasts. You are in good company here."

Her soft hand sent a tingle through me. I wanted to grip it tight but couldn't risk her pulling away.

"I do not need to know who you were." She continued, "I think I know who you are now and that is good enough."

I felt my throat choking up and had to look away and swallow down the emotion that her gentle acceptance awoke in me. Perceptive as ever, she changed the subject, going off on a tangent about the training that was in place for the people of the Maroon camp. Young and old were taught to read, to do arithmetic, to build, sew, hunt, grow. It was a community that was thriving, and Madi had ambitious plans to expand to a network of self-sufficient settlements that could sustain all the slaves freed by the alliance.

I had spent years, forever really, looking for somewhere to belong. I wanted nothing more than a comfortable life, but I had never considered who I would live that life with. I was excited by the possibility of a place that was full of lost souls united. As someone who had never belonged anywhere, I found myself longing for a future in such a place. Where I could be part of building something. Madi made me want to do right by her and her people. This was a problem. I had already broken all of my own rules when I started to see Flint as a real friend. Now, I was feeling something indescribable for this woman, and it meant that for the first time, I had real stakes in this fight. I wouldn't be able to just cut and run if it all went to shit, and this realisation scared me to no end.

With each passing day, the fear grew. Flint and Madi were the best possible partners for an undertaking like this, but that didn't affect my uncertainty of everyone else. Our success relied on a myriad of difficult factors. We had to enter Nassau under cover of night, deliver Madi to meet her agents to secure the weapons and ammunition stockpiled by her Father, and get her back to the ship safely. Not to mention having to carry off the role of 'Long John Silver' enough to convince pirates that had abandoned the black in favour of a pardon, to defy England and return to the fold to fight a war in the name of Captain Flint. My rational mind was rebelling against this unlikely plan, but my faith in Madi and Flint carried me through. It supported me as I entered the tavern and started weaving the story of Flint's return, and it emboldened me when Dufresne started his ill-advised tirade. However, when I looked at Dufresne's sneering face it wasn't that faith that spurred my next action. It was anger. Pure, unadulterated anger at all the times that I had been seen as lesser, all the times the I had been dismissed. Anger at the fact that this turncoat weasel would stand in the way of what we were trying to achieve. The future of my crew, my brothers, a thousand people in the Maroon camp, countless other slaves on the Island, a safe future for us all. I would not have it. His face broke pleasingly under my boot, and I revelled in the feeling that it gave me.

I could see the excitement on the faces of the crew when the story reached them. I had already won a great deal of their respect in recent months, and success as their quartermaster. But this was different. I could feel the tide turning yet again, elevating me still further in their eyes.

This was a stark contrast to the worry in the faces of Flint and Madi.

It was a relief to realise that Madi was concerned about me. Despite her attempt to make me believe that it was merely concern for the alliance, I could see a hint of something more personal in her eyes. That hint that she felt something for me, no matter how minor, was enough to make me giddy. I kept my reaction to myself of course, but silently decided that no matter how important the mission was right now, I would find an opportunity to approach her soon.

My happiness was quickly dashed by the discovery of Dobbs' attack on one of Madi's men. This precarious situation that he had put us in had the potential of doing significant damage to the Maroons faith in the pirates, and could also cause a rift between Madi and I that I just couldn't afford, not when it felt like I was on the verge of making a breakthrough with her.

There were a number of options at hand for resolving the situation, but each one carried with it a great deal of risk. In the end, I chose to follow my original instinct with Madi, which was to tell her the truth and trust that we could deal with the problem together. My heartbeat threatened to deafen me when she entered the room, and her expression when she laid eyes on the bludgeoned face of her man almost made me lose my train of thought. She made no indication that she heard me as I explained what happened, simply kneeling before him to assess his injuries. Her expression was pained, and when she requested a knife the various possibilities of what she could do with it ran through my mind. She could stab Dobbs, which quite frankly I wouldn't mind, she could hand it to the injured man, which again, I think I could support. I hesitated as I handed it to her, but as she met my eyes I found myself helpless to refuse her. I trusted her. The alliance offered her people a chance for freedom, she wouldn't do anything to risk it. Her stake in this was larger than mine, and as such, she would do everything in her power to make it a success.

When I gave her my word that nothing like this would happen again, I meant it. The punishment that I ordered for Dobbs was severe enough for him to understand my displeasure, but humane enough for me to retain his respect and the respect of the crew members enlisted to carry it out.

As time passed I began to lose confidence in my decision to approach Madi about the possibility of deepening my relationship with her. We had agreed to move on from the incident on the ship, but it was clear that it had upset her greatly, and she was slightly more reserved with me as a result. We still spent a great deal of time together, but I could not see a way to shift direction with her. Despite my talent with words, I have never had to do something like this before. My past encounters with women have tended to be the result of sheer luck and opportunism, neither of which would help me with Madi.

Before I could decide on a course of action Mr Scott lost his fight for life and my feelings were set aside in favour of trying to provide some measure of comfort to her. I didn't know what I was going to say to her when I went to her room, and I was surprised to find that no words were needed. She simply wanted to be held and I was ready and willing to keep her in my embrace for as long as possible.

There was limited time to grieve, as plans were in place to lure the British forces to the camp to make a stand. The fight would be extremely dangerous, and Madi insisted on being in the first line of defence at the camp, by my side. I promised myself that if we made through the battle alive, I would take her aside and kiss her. Or maybe ask her if I could.

It turned out that I couldn't wait that long. The night before the British were to arrive, I felt drawn to her room. I had felt a growing sense of urgency throughout the evening, and my instincts were screaming at me to find a way to declare myself before dawn came and our fate was decided in battle.

She was seated in her chair, just as she had been when I was first brought to her as a captive. Candles glowed around her and she looked ethereally beautiful. My boot made it impossible for my arrival to go unnoticed, and she stood and turned towards me smiling as I entered.

I hadn't really rehearsed what I was going to say, but I had an idea of the feelings that I wanted to express. What I didn't expect was for those feelings to tumble out of me in a mass of jumbled words as soon as I opened my mouth.

"Madi. This is probably bad timing. We are about to embark on an endeavour that if successful, will strike a blow right to the heart of English rule in Nassau. It can change everything, and give you the freedom for your people that you so greatly desire. Having spent this time with you, and learned so much about the woman that you are, I just want to be part of that, of you... I mean, with you, if you'll let me."

I knew that I was speaking too quickly and that I probably wasn't making sense. I had no control over it, and as soon as I'd taken the time to breathe more words escaped.

"I have a crew to look after and a volatile Captain to manage, while you have a thousand people to serve and a legacy to live up to... but despite that I am unable to concentrate on anything other than how much I want you..."

She continued to stare at me with a delicate smile on her face. When she didn't say anything, I felt panic begin to build in my gut and wash over my body in waves.

"I just thought that... I just wanted you to know-"

She came towards me, her smile widening.

"John. Breathe," she said, stopping inches from me.

"I honestly don't think I can," I replied. She was standing so close. I swayed towards her, unable to stop myself from trying to get closer to her orbit. Her smile was blinding, so blinding in fact that it took me a moment to notice that her shoulders were shaking. Her mirth bubbled to the surface and erupted in helpless giggles. Who would have thought that Madi giggled? The sound was so charming and the visual even more so, that there was no way that I could be offended that she was basically laughing at my declaration.

I reached for her and pulled her close until she was chuckling into my neck. The last time that I had held her like this she had been crying for the loss of her father. It was immensely pleasurable to be able to hold her as she laughed, even if it was at my expense.

I pulled back slightly, and coaxed her head up so that I could look her in the eye. There was something in my gaze that brought her giggling to a halt, and she stared back at me, before shooting a lingering look at my lips. As always, she was confident and poised, and I wanted to ruffle her. I bent towards her slowly, eyes locked with hers all the while. The sensation of her lips meeting mine was indescribable. I felt it everywhere. We moved closer still as the kiss deepened, until we were pressed together without a sliver of light between us.

I expected the fear to fade away then, but instead it intensified. I took great pleasure in the easy intimacy between us, and our honest, open discourse took on greater intensity until it felt like there was nothing in the world that we were thinking or feeling that we didn't share with each other. We discussed the current state of the world as we saw it, and as we would like it to be. We spoke for hours about the alliance, her desire to honour her parents legacy and my growing belief in Flint's crusade. However, we never once talked about what was happening between us, or what our personal future held, a fact that filled me with uncertainty. We were undoubtedly a couple, at least when we were alone after sundown. But what were we in the light of day? I didn't have the courage to broach the subject, and it was easy to bury my unease and revel in having the freedom to be close to her by day and share her bed at night.

I always left her quarters before sunrise to avoid being seen. My metal boot didn't allow for stealth so it was best to sneak back to the area allocated to the pirates before the rest of the camp awoke. One morning, instead of a clear path through the trees, I was faced with Kofi. Now, I liked Kofi. I truly did. How could I not like a man that would risk his life to protect Madi? However, his constant presence was unnerving, and when it came to finding private time with my lady, the man was nothing short of a damn nuisance. I nodded to him as I passed, intending to continue on my way.

"Mr Silver"

I stopped, turning back to face him. Although Kofi was always present, we had never actually had a direct conversation.

"We are preparing for the journey to Nassau tomorrow"

At my nod he continued.

"You have listed Jacob and I as Miss Madi's escorts"

"Is there a problem with that arrangement?" I replied.

"I think that under the circumstances, perhaps it would be better if Obi accompanied us instead"

That gave me pause. So there was a problem with this Jacob? He had appeared to be an excellent fighter and had previous sailing experience.

"What's wrong with Jacob?"

Kofi hesitated, and looked towards Madi's room. He seemed to come to a decision and turned back to me.

"Before you came here, before the alliance was agreed, Jacob was being positioned for a potential union with Miss Madi."

Of all the things that I thought that Kofi might want to share with me, this was literally the last thing I suspected. Madi had been seeing someone else before me?

"They were engaged?"

I felt sick at the idea, and at the thought that she hadn't told me about it.

"Not yet, it was unofficial and still in the early stages of being arranged, but they had been spending time together and he was... excited about the prospect."

Right, so not engaged. I had seen Madi with Jacob when I was watching her from afar while in captivity, and later during my time in the camp. They were friendly and polite, but I hadn't noticed anything in her treatment of him that set him apart from anyone else.

"I just think that under the circumstances, it would be better if Jacob were not in close quarters with Miss Madi for this journey. It is too important, and I fear that he would be distracted," Kofi continued.

"Yes, I agree." I was suddenly even more grateful to Kofi for everything that he did for Madi, and for me.

"Thank you Kofi. I will change the crew log. Please inform both Obi and Jacob of the change."

He nodded. "You should know sir, that I don't tell you this to betray Miss Madi. That I would never do. If she hasn't told you about it, it is because she doesn't think that it is of any consequence. However, as I have responsibility for her safety, I have to make sure that whoever accompanies me is focused and clear-headed."

I smiled and walked away, eager to muse on this new development in private. On the one hand, Madi had been considering marriage, and to someone who was still very much around. However, on the other, she had clearly halted the proceedings when the pirates arrived, probably because of the alliance and impending war, but undoubtedly also because of me. There was nothing to worry about. Madi only does what she wants to do, and her actions show that she wants me. As sensible as this train of thought was, I couldn't help the tiny niggle of fear that insisted on making its presence felt. It was like something nipping at my heels, trying to get in the way of my happiness. With a war to plan there really wasn't time to be worrying about this. If I brought it up to Madi, she would be understanding and reassuring but I didn't want her to see my insecurity. No. The worry that I would not be accepted, that she was meant for something or someone other than me was just another fear that I would have to bury with the others.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks so much for the lovely reviews, follows and favourites. I really appreciate it.
> 
> Now, time to hear from Madi...

When I was alone in the bowels of Woodes Rogers ship, I thought about death constantly. I thought about how it might feel to be shot, or stabbed, or beaten until my skin split and my bones broke.

The men on the Eurydice were no louder, rowdier or violent than my comrades on the Walrus. But these were not my people, my allies or my friends. I thought of Chidi's face after Dobbs had beaten him in retribution for our interrogation of his crew mates, and imagined receiving the same treatment from the redcoats. I gritted my teeth and tried not to jump every time I heard the thump of boots outside the door. Rogers needed me to goad the pirates and when that failed, I could only pray that the end would be swift.

I wondered what he might see fit to do with my remains once it was done. Would he display my corpse from the mast of the ship? Or have it delivered to the Walrus to inflict the maximum pain on my allies?

The fact that I was completely helpless and at the mercy of a man that chose to unleash a wave of rampaging Spanish forces to devastate Nassau and murder his own wife caused a level of panic that was completely new to me.

A combination of pride and loathing prevented me from showing fear in front of the man himself, but when the door closed on my cell and I was once again alone in the dark, I was powerless to stop its assault.

I shifted as best I could on the hard floor, trying to chance upon a better position to soothe my sore muscles and find relief from the heavy bite of the shackles on my wrists and ankles. Being in chains for the first time made me think about my mother and all the steps that both she and my father had taken to shield me from this. Her intellect was astonishing, her wisdom unrivalled, her power within the maroon community absolute. I had heard tales of some of the hardships that she had endured before she found herself with the Guthrie family. The beatings, the indignities, the unwanted advances of heinous masters. I had seen the scars with my own eyes. To think that she had suffered through this and managed to become the leader that she is, filled me with pride and a strong resolve to withstand whatever the Governor had in store for me. There was nothing that I could do now but continue to refuse his offers to bargain away our future, no matter what he threatened me with. John was strong. He was a survivor. I told myself that Rogers' threats to kill him were just posturing, but I knew in my heart that there would be many people sacrificed in this war and that John may be among them. The only comfort I could take in this was that I would probably go first, and thus be spared having to live with the grief.

As long as John and Flint keep our combined crew focused on the end goal, our plan would proceed without me.

From the moment that I started to consider taking the Pirates as allies, my biggest concern had been the inherent difference in our situations. The pirates could take pardons if offered, become 'respectable' and blend into society with no more than a change of clothes and a groomed beard. We, on the other hand would be in danger as long as England ruled these Islands. We could be rounded up, shackled, beaten and worked to death, separated from our families and stripped of any future worth living. It was for this reason that despite my suspicion of Captain Flint and his motives, I trusted his devotion to our shared goal. He harboured a deep-seated hatred of Imperial rule, and would stop at nothing to free the indies of it. He would be resolute in the face of whatever deal Rogers dangled before him.

I thought about John, and how tormented he must be by the thought of me imprisoned. However, he knew better than anyone what was at stake. We had spent hours making plans for the future, for a life without fear that the maroons would be re-captured, for additional settlements that offered sanctuary for the newly freed slaves, for the next generation to have the freedom to decide their own future. In light of everything at stake, I knew that he would do the hard thing. The right thing. Even if it meant losing me.

As time passed I weakened considerably. Everything hurt. My head screamed with pain from the wound inflicted by the Spanish raider. I was grateful for the darkness, as light served to increase the pounding to excruciating levels. I was tormented with the image of my dear friend Kofi being shot in the head and tossed into the sea as if he were a sack of rubbish. The tears came, but I no longer had the energy to sob. My empty stomach was cramping with hunger and thirst, and the combination of dehydration and blood loss was making my vision spotty. I would die here. Of that I was certain. Whether swiftly by bullet or by wasting away slowly.

As I drifted between sleep and consciousness, I had conversations with my father. I asked him what it was like to hide in plain sight in Nassau, tending to the Guthrie's business and being separated from his family, all for the greater good. I asked him to help me find the strength to make it to the next stage of this journey. I spoke to Eleanor. She appeared small and mischievous, just as she had in our childhood. She held a copy of The Blazing World, a cherished gift that my father had brought back from England when he accompanied Mr Guthrie around my 9th birthday. It was the most frivolous book I owned, and it never failed to bring me comfort. Worn and well-read, the copy that my vision of Eleanor held matched the one that I had left resting safely on my shelf at home.

When I was particularly low, I thought of John. I imagined the weight of his piercing eyes as they followed me around the room. His soft voice as he lay beside me in the darkness, whispering into my ear and dragging his fingertips down the length of my back. I pictured his hesitation at the entrance to my room each time he came to see me. No matter how many times I welcomed him inside, he looked as if he expected to be turned away. Thinking about him was hard. Both because of my worry for his safety, and my guilt about allowing him to think that he may not be enough for me. I know what it took for him to ask me that question, how difficult it was for him to show vulnerability in that way. I wanted so badly to explain to him that it wasn't a case of him being enough, that I loved him completely and that I fully intended to spend my future with him. However, as much as I wanted to devote myself to him, I am also devoted to my people. When we were together in the camp, planning a war by day and making love by night, my dedication to both the man and the cause had seemed to complement each other perfectly. It had shaken me to realise that I could be faced with a choice between two things that I can't live without.

\---

By the time he appeared before me, I barely had the strength to lift my head. Utter relief flooded my body when I registered his familiar touch. I hadn't expected to be rescued, and the sight of him brought tears to my eyes. He gripped me tightly and shuddered as he pressed his forehead and then his lips to mine. As desperate as I was to be free of my chains, I also wanted to sit in his arms and bask in the sheer joy at being safe and together again. He must have felt the same, because he held me close for several minutes before drawing back to look me over.

"I can't believe you're safe. I was so scared" he murmured, smiling softly. Then, his eyes locked on the wound at my temple.

"What have they done to you?" He reached out to run his fingers over the injury, but thought better of it when I flinched.

"That is from the Spanish soldier that attacked us."

The memory of waking up surrounded by flames assailed me, and I closed my eyes against the horror of it.

"Are you hurt anywhere else?"

I was burned, scraped, cut, bruised, starved and aching. Everything hurt, but I didn't see the point of saying it. I just wanted to get out of that prison as quickly as possible.

"I am fine."

I glanced up at the ceiling where the sound of thundering boots seemed to be lessening.

"What is happening up top?" I asked

"We were making headway against the governors crew when I came down here to find you."

He looked over to the doorway and bellowed.

"You there! Bring the keys to these chains."

The contrast in his manner was jarring, and I took deep breaths to soothe my frazzled nerves. Unaccustomed to feeling so fragile, I blinked away tears and took several deep breaths. The elation in John's steady gaze was too much, and threatened to reduce me to full blown sobs if I didn't look away.

A slightly built young man hurried in and grabbed the ring of keys from their place on a hook by the door, holding them out to John with trembling hands. John snatched them from him, sending him scurrying out with a look. Undoing my shackles one by one, he looked over the deep bruises that they left in their wake, inspecting the areas where they had broken the skin leaving weeping wounds.

"I'm so sorry Madi."

He looked like he wanted to say more, but instead grabbed his crutch and rose to full height, reaching down to help me up.

As I stumbled to my feet, my stomach roiled and the waves of pain in my head made their presence felt again.

I swallowed down the ache and leaned on him as we slowly made our way out of the darkness.

\----

There are days that I miss what came before. Even with the knowledge of everything he did to thwart our plans, I feel his loss deeply, the loss of the deep contentment I felt back when I trusted him and spent hours sharing my deepest thoughts with him. When I felt like I had found a soulmate that could excite both my body and my mind. A partner who I could trust to move forward with me into an uncertain future.

Stranger still, I find myself missing Flint. Despite our rocky start, we had found affinity with each other. When Silver and I emerged from below deck and I saw the governors' men thwarted, the Governor himself on his knees and Captain Flint's victorious smile, I saw a glimpse of our future success. This is what it feels like to win, I thought.

I had no way of knowing that in that moment of such pure hope, Silver stood beside me planning to ensure that there would be no win, no victory, and no change of regime on the Islands. That the slaves would stay in chains, and the maroons would stay in hiding.

He says that he has lost me before, and that he would not let it happen again.

I am unconvinced by that argument.

I know what it is like to lose him.

I know what it feels like to see him cast helpless into the sea, to feel my heart ripped from my chest to sink with him into icy depths. To scream and pray and cry for the loss. To stand on the shore, clinging to the hope that by some miracle, he would survive and make it back to me. I have felt the agony of hope giving way to despair.

I also know how it feels to lose him as a friend, a partner and a lover. I know how it feels to have to see him everyday and be reminded of his disregard for my choices, for the trust I had for him.

This loss is a different kind of pain, but it's no less intense.

He is determined to keep his promise to stay close by until he can convince me that what he did wasn't a complete betrayal of everything I stand for.

I live each day with the knowledge that we aren't safe. There has always been danger, but the complete secrecy that my father enforced in Nassau, and my mothers swift elimination of anyone that stumbled upon the camp had afforded us a precious element of protection from the outside world.

It was my advocacy of the pirates and their cause, and my belief in Silver that resulted in the ill-fated alliance. Now the burden of finding a new direction for my people and a new way to protect them from the outside world lies on my shoulders.

Measures will need to be taken. I have worked hard to build strong relationships with Mr Featherstone, the new Governor, and Eme, my chief agent in the town is now installed in his residence. I have no fear that those in Nassau that know the location of our camp pose a threat to us, at least in the short term. However, I have learned the hard way that trust is easily misplaced. I must build a new settlement, and I must do it quickly. A place that can accommodate not only the current residents, but the countless slave families that I plan to liberate over time. I will need to undertake this endeavour in secret with a small crew of trusted people. My heart aches for my dear friend and loyal protector Kofi, for if he were still here, he would be the one to help, but in his absence I have no choice but to find another.

I know that if Flint were here, I could turn to him for counsel on my plans. The web of lies that Silver had wove to stop the war is delicate, and I can't risk the peace of mind of my people by talking to anyone about the true state of things. I will have to find new allies to help me put the pieces in place, but I will have to refrain from sharing the details of the future that I am planning from them.

Despite everything that has happened, I long to share my thoughts with Silver. The more I think through the potential options, the more it becomes clear that I will need him to play a part in my plan. He alone is in the unique position of holding substantial sway with the people of Nassau while also emjoying the complete acceptance of the maroon community and it's leaders. His connection to Jack Rackham and the remaining pirates that operate in secret means that he would be able to secure items that I sorely need to carry out my plans. Renewing a working arrangement with him after all that we have been to each other is a painful prospect, but I can see no alternative.

From my father, I learned how to take advantage of being underestimated, and how to make personalo sacrifices for the good of the many. From my mother, I learned how to lead, and how to tend to my people. From Flint, I learned how to organise a revolution.

Potentially the most crucial lesson of all though, the one that will help me to navigate this new undertaking, is how to manipulate those close to me, disguising my true motives to achieve the desired outcome. This, I learned from Silver.

\----

It has been weeks since the day that the treaty was ratified, and we are yet to speak again. True to his word, he has settled into the community and seems intent to stay. When he is not endearing himself to my mother and helping to coordinate the flow of goods out of Nassau, he is either nearby watching me silently, or down by the beach where he and Flint used to train.

Today he is nowhere to be seen in the camp, so I make my way down to his beach side spot to seek him out. I have rehearsed what I will say word for word, and I know exactly how I can convince him to assist me without giving away anything that I don't want him to know.

My heartbeat thrums rapidly as I walk towards his seated form. Gone are the messy locks and the layer of dust, sweat and dried blood that used to be ever present. Now, his hair is neatly pulled back from his well scrubbed face. His clothes are clean and not at all suited to a pirate. His expression is sad, but he looks relaxed and well rested. As he rises from his perch and catches sight of me, it strikes me that Long John Silver was laid to rest alongside Captain Flint, and that it will take considerable effort on my part to get him back again.


End file.
